“Two more.” The fx barker announced, motioning to us.
I automatically looked at Mark and gave him a sweet smile. “Our turn.” I said. He didn’t say anything but he smiled back. “So much for striking a conversation.” I thought as we rode the vehicle.
The silence in the vehicle somehow calmed me. It relaxed my fidgeting nerves. I looked around and noticed the other passengers slowly dozing off as they shifted themselves into more comfortable sitting positions. They must be very tired of the day’s work.
Outside the window, I saw the usual 7 o’clock scene- the busy streets, the crowded sidewalks, the thick lines of passengers eagerly waiting to get a ride home- the usual rush hour. Everything around me was so common, except that I am in this dark, quiet vehicle with Mark’s shoulder bumping into mine.
Mark. I sighed. Why would he be this aloof? It had been two years after all, two long bitter years- at least for me. I realized how bad an idea it was to be thinking of our past relationship especially with Mark’s face only a few inches away from mine, but the memories flooded my mind like an itch I couldn’t ignore. I remembered our compromises, his broken promises, and my futile wait for reconciliation. It might have been years ago but the pain felt as if everything had only happened yesterday.
If I am still hurting, does that mean I still love him? In my head, that might be a question but in my heart, that was already a statement.
The vehicle sped. Each hump is sending his shoulders bumping into mine. I miss the old times, when everything was just fine, when we are not two separate entities like we are now. I miss our talks. I miss our dates. I miss our nonsense. I just miss him.
The silence calming me a while ago has started to be a vacuum suffocating me. I felt a very strong yearning to talk to him. I have to talk to him. There are a lot of things that I wanted to ask him and tell him. I wanted to tell him I am still here, still his.
I glanced at him this time but just like everyone else, he was asleep. Suddenly, my eyes remembered what it has used to do for months after our break up. I cried. I missed him so much it’s killing me.
And then, slowly, carefully, I lowered my head to his shoulder, just like the old times. I rested my head on his shoulder pretending to sleep. The feeling of familiarity rushed to me and slowly tore me apart. He felt like home. I know doing this is foolish but I didn’t care. I savored it. If our love was gone then surely not our friendship. Well, one can always hope.
His shoulders were steady, unmoving. It almost felt as if he was pillowing my head with utmost care. He didn’t pull away and it made me smile. There might be a chance after all. In my head were thoughts of a conversation to be made, what to say and what to do. Should I say ‘I want you back.’ or ‘Don’t you want me back?’ or ‘I can change.’ It doesn’t matter what I say. All I know is that I want to win him back.
Just then, he stirred. He lifted his head and peeked outside the window. His shoulders moved, making me feel unwelcome. Embarrassed, I lifted my head up.
“I’m sorry.” I said with a sheepish smile.
“That’s alright. I shouldn’t have wakened you but I really have to go.” His smile was as sheepish as my own but his eyes lacked the sparkle that mine had.
“Here? But your house is not until the next intersection.” I said, surprised.
“Yes but Janine is waiting for me here.”
“Janine.” I almost whispered. I felt numb as my hopes crashed to the dirt.
“Yes.” He replied with indifference. “My girlfriend.”
Note: An old post published last December 25, 2008.